Ready to Launch: Helping Students Thrive in College and Beyond
“There are two things children should get from their parents: roots and wings.” -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
“We’re applying to 12 schools in this application cycle and we’re getting worried about the essays” an anxious mother says as she sips her latte. I sigh, as this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this refrain, and I know it’s time to gently have the talk. “We’re not applying to 12 schools” I reply. “Amy is.”
Amy, and the other students currently preparing to go to college are members of Generation Z. Gen Z is comprised of people born between 1995 and 2015, the oldest of whom were in kindergarten when 9–11 occurred. In Generation Z Goes to College, Corey Seemiller and Meghan Grace analyze what makes this population tick and how we can better interact with them. Gen Z is the most racially diverse population to date and the most open-minded on issues such as race, sexuality and gender. Having grown up in the economic recession that began in 2008, they are more financially conservative than millennials and worry about career prospects and security (although they are not financially literate). Overall, they are not huge risk takers and are more realistic than optimistic. They are very reliant upon their parents, and tend to get in less trouble, in the aggregate, than other generations.[i]
Generation Z members are drawn to the GIG economy, and are concerned with fulfilling their destinies. While we search Google for information, Gen Zers search YouTube. They like to learn visually, and would prefer to watch someone else doing something over reading instructions. Sadly, they are also plagued with anxiety and other mental health issues in unprecedented numbers.
So, how do we work with these students? And, since their parents effectively function as their co-pilots, how do we work with them as well?
In her incredibly important book, How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims analyzes how overparenting harms children, as well as society at large, and offers suggestions on how to break free of the cycle. As the former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, Lythcott-Haims bore witness to the results of overparenting on the college level. While based in good intentions, the results are anything but. Lythcott-Haims observed “…by the time I stepped down as dean at Stanford in 2012 I had interacted not only with a tremendous number of parents but with students who seemed increasingly reliant upon their parents in ways that felt, simply, off …What will become of young adults who look accomplished on paper but seem to have a hard time making their way in the world without the constant involvement of their parents?”[ii]
So, how did it come to this? Lythcott-Haims points to a number of changes that began in the 1980s. Factors such as the heightened fear surrounding child abductions introduced the concept of “stranger danger” to the mainstream vernacular. Similarly, reports claiming that American children weren’t competing well against their global counterparts resulted in heightened parental scrutiny of school work and academic performance. A third factor was the self-esteem movement, and a fourth was the birth of the playdate. As Lythcott-Haims observed “(o)nce parents started scheduling play, they started observing play, which led to involving themselves in play … The very nature of play — which is a foundational element in the life of a developing child — began to change.”[iii]
Before long, parents began scheduling all aspects of their children’s lives. They organized what musical instruments and sports their children would play, what hobbies they should have, what volunteer and extracurricular activities to participate in … not to mention the homework! Parental involvement in the academic performance of their children morphed into over participation in assignments, reports and projects. We have all seen the 4th grade science project that was clearly done by a 40-year-old! These never-ending checklists and this unceasing intervention make our kids accomplished. They also make them anxious, and to a certain degree, helpless.
This is far from an academic exercise for me, as I have witnessed it often while raising my own daughters (both Gen Zers), and I empathize with the parents out there who feel peer pressure to overparent just so their child doesn’t “fall behind.” I still recall a time when my oldest daughter was cut from her middle school basketball team. That wasn’t surprising, as she wasn’t very good at basketball and she tried out for the team mainly because her friends were doing so and she didn’t want to be left out. What was surprising, however, was the phone call I received one evening from a concerned parent in her class. “What are you going to do about it?” she asked. Stunned, I replied that I wasn’t going to do anything. “Well … are you sure?” the mother asked, a hint of judgment creeping into her voice. “Katie must be devastated and I know the coach. I can call him for you because this just isn’t fair.” I replied “Actually, it is fair. Katie isn’t as strong of a player as some of the other girls, and the coach wasn’t picking on her by not picking her. She needs to learn that she can’t always win.” The phone call ended shortly afterwards, and I imagine the other parent felt sorry for Katie, who drew short straw by having such an unsupportive mother. I saw — and see — it differently. And, like Lythcott-Haims, I believe that the many years I spent advising other parents’ college students influenced the way I raised my own children, who are now college students themselves.
Lythcott-Haims calls these over-involved parents concierge parents, and I think the moniker fits perfectly. So adept are they at managing every aspect of their children’s lives that the children don’t adequately learn how to do it for themselves. She provides numerous examples of how this co-dependency does not stop when the child leaves for college. In one instance, she describes a mother who still calls her daughter, now a sophomore in college, every morning to wake her up for classes and to remind her of assignments and test dates. When things go wrong for their children, Lythcott-Haims observes how these same parents go into enforcer mode. Interestingly, not only are they intervening on their children’s behalves at liberal arts colleges, they’ve been known to challenge the decisions of military personnel at West Point when their children are not selected for certain military-related activities![iv]
Some of the things Lythcott-Haims believes a college student should be capable of doing include: talking to strangers; finding their way around unfamiliar places; managing homework assignments, workloads and deadlines; contributing to the running of a household; handling interpersonal problems; coping with ups and downs; managing money; and taking risks. [v] We’ll discuss a few ways to help students gain these skills later in this article.
Among the dangers of overparenting are mental health and self-esteem problems. Young adults who have had everything done for them often have less confidence that they can handle the activities of daily living than their less-coddled peers. This concern is well-founded, as they often lack the necessary life skills to handle everyday problems, disappointments and setbacks. Because of these missing life skills, these young adults often suffer in the workplace as well. In the real world, parents cannot call their children’s bosses to complain that Billy should have gotten that promotion, or Sally shouldn’t have to work with that demanding client. Ironically, parents’ extreme machinations to set their children up for success might actually result in … failure.
One other possible negative side effect of overparenting, in my opinion, is self-centeredness and moral relativism. If a child is raised to believe it really is all about him or her, then how does that child effectively accept personal disappointment in the name of a greater good or concern?
Several years ago, in April, I received a call from a law school applicant whom I had never previously met. She asked for my help in getting released from an early decision contract with a law school. It’s important to note that this young woman was 22 years old at the time of this phone call.
When I asked why she wanted to be released, she replied that she had been accepted to a higher ranked school.
“So, you never withdrew your other applications when you were accepted early decision?” I asked.
Nope.
I continued “Did you understand at the time, meaning last November, that you were signing a binding contract that required you to do so?”
Yep.
“Yet, it’s April, and you never withdrew your applications. Why didn’t you do so?” I asked.
The student’s reply was unapologetic “I was covering my bases with my ED application because I never thought I’d actually be accepted to X institution. Now that I have been, it’s where I want to go.”
I politely, but firmly, explained that I was not going to help her, and that what she did had serious ethical, and potentially legal, implications. Upon hearing this, she began to cry and hung up the phone. Not five minutes later, my phone rang again. This time it was her father.
“Ya know, you just made my daughter cry. She’s very upset and we don’t understand why you can’t just help her figure out how to get out of this thing. Of course, anyone would want their child to go to the more prestigious school.”
That particular interaction was distressing … on so many levels.
If overparenting can predict future difficulties for a student, what can predict success? One thing is grit. Psychologist Angela Duckworth defines grit as “perseverance and passion for long term goals” and says that it is a better predictor of success than IQ or talent, because it allows people to hang in there when they face challenges and setbacks. The problem is that many young people today, for all of their accomplishments, are short on grit. This is due to a number of factors, to be certain, but overparenting is certainly a contributor. The good news, according to Duckworth, is that unlike IQ, you can actually raise your grit quotient. All of us who work with young people should be looking for ways to foster grittiness.
So, how can we foster grittiness and prepare students to thrive once they leave the nest? Here are several suggestions. First, let them stumble, fall, and sometimes even fail. We do not want to raise china dolls or tea cups — things so fragile that they’ll chip unless handled with kid gloves. Rather, we want to raise young adults who can weather the storms that life inevitably has in store for them. Grit researchers also posit that we should not praise people for things they cannot control, such as intelligence. Instead, we should praise them for things that they can, such as sticking with a long-term project or difficult task. We should also praise them for reflection and discernment, as this teaches them that learning — and life — are journeys rather than destinations. This will help them become more realistic and hopefully encourage them to stay the course when things get rocky. As educators, albeit in different capacities, we should be on the lookout for ways to give the right sort of praise and to encourage reflection.
In 5 Research-Backed Ways to Increase Grit, Eric Barker cites the research of Angela Duckworth and her colleagues and succinctly lays out five ways to become grittier. They are: do what interests you; practice, practice, practice; find purpose; have hope; and hang out with gritty people.[vi] First, doing what interests you is common sense, because it’s much harder to stick with something if you don’t enjoy it. Second, the more you practice something, the better at it you’ll become and the more you’ll want to stick with it. Some experts have suggested turning practicing into a game. Third, finding purpose means you don’t just do something you like, it means you do something you like because you believe it has worth to other people or things beyond yourself. Fourth, have hope — if you believe long and hard enough that things will get better when times are tough, they probably will. Finally, hang out with gritty people — you will grow and emulate their example. As we work with young people, we should do our very best to encourage them to pursue the areas of studies, extra-curricular activities, sports, hobbies, work and volunteer opportunities that interest them RATHER than what they (or their parents) think will look good. This is hard for some students, because they have been programmed to a certain extent, so our active listening and advising skills are essential here. Emphasizing meaning will also appeal to Generation Z, so we should do so often.
In addition to grit, if students are more independent and resourceful they will handle the transition to college better. And, there are simple, practical ways that we can help them. While we do not live with the students we work with, we can encourage parents to stop overparenting by pointing them to the growing body of research that outlines why it is harmful. One obvious place to start is by referencing How to Raise an Adult, as Lythcott-Haims’ status as a former Stanford dean will not be lost on some of the parents obsessed with getting their children into top colleges. We can also provide practical suggestions, such as encouraging student participation in household chores. By the time my children were in high school, for example, they were responsible for their own laundry and had to help doing the dishes and taking out the trash. But that was just what worked in my house. There is no shortage of tasks, so encourage parents to get creative! Perhaps it could be walking the dog, shuttling a little brother or sister to soccer, or running miscellaneous errands. We can also make students schedule their own appointments. When I work with clients, I inevitably have parents who want to schedule all of their children’s appointments with me. They quite literally act like their children’s personal assistants! I gently remind them that they will not (or at least, should not) be scheduling appointments with professors, advisors and staff when their student goes away to college, so this is excellent practice for the student. This can be a difficult habit for parents to break, as they are so used to performing the role of concierge. Yet, I’ve seen that polite pushback on my end, in the form of requiring the student to call or email me, can yield small but significant successes. That’s not to say that I do not welcome contact from parents. I do. But I apply a simple litmus test: is this something the child can or should be doing for him or herself? If so, I try and prevail upon the parent to let the child do it. Finally, we can extol the benefits of work. Many students today have not had a regular job, as they are so overwhelmed with sports, Model UN, band, and the like. But a job is an excellent way to gain invaluable life skills. It will teach a student the importance of being on time and meeting deadlines. It will require him or her to work with diverse and sometimes difficult constituents, and to manage competing tasks. It will also help him or her understand the value of dollar, which isn’t a bad life lesson either. While jobs might not be in the cards for all students, many parents and students avoid them because they’re under the mistaken impression that colleges will be unimpressed with that job at the pizza parlor. This is categorically untrue. Encourage parents to ask admissions representatives this question directly at college information sessions if they remain unconvinced.
What are some other ways to help Generation Z become more resilient and better prepared to launch? One idea is to try a “flipped classroom” method of advising, as the research in Generation Z Goes to College suggests that this group of students responds better to an interactive rather than a lecture-based format. For example, instead of bringing students together and giving a presentation on the college admissions process, we could give them assignments in advance and have them research various aspects of the process. Then, when we bring them together we could engage in discussion groups about the process where they could offer what they learned and ask questions. In addition to research about application platforms, timelines, and testing requirements, we could insert some research about the importance of resourcefulness and independence in both college and career. Having them think about ways they can raise their own independence and resourcefulness quotients could potentially be interesting!
Generation Z is amazing in so many ways. To the extent that they are overly dependent upon their parents, we must remember that they are products of the way they were raised. As are we. We can work with them — and their parents — to build some of the life skills that will foster success in college and beyond. Although we may want to do everything we possibly can to help our children, sometimes the best help we can offer is to take a step back. As Julie Lythcott-Haims wisely put it “(i)ronically, our job as parents is to put ourselves out of a job.”[vii]
[i] Seemiller, Corey, and Meghan Grace. Generation Z Goes to College. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2016.
[ii] Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. New York: Saint Martins Griffin, 2016. p.6
[iii] Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. New York: Saint Martins Griffin, 2016. p.4
[iv] Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. New York: Saint Martins Griffin, 2016. p. 52
[v] Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. New York: Saint Martins Griffin, 2016. pp 81–83
[vi] Barker, Eric. “5 Research-backed Ways to Increase Grit.” The Week — All You Need to Know about Everything That Matters. May 16, 2016. Accessed November 19, 2018. https://www.theweek.com/.
[vii] Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. New York: Saint Martins Griffin, 2016.
Seemiller, Corey, and Meghan Grace. Generation Z Goes to College. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2016.
